Social Norms
I am a Good Person.
It is easy to find a low self-esteem when you are lonely or concerned that you said or did the wrong thing to someone. In cases like that, I find solace in the fact that I am a good person.
I used to (and still do very rarely) worry about how I am seen; wanting to fit in. But by doing so, you create a million different ‘you’s. Some of them contradict and this leads to some pretty bad situations.
Personally, I know I am a good person because of what I do for others: I donate money to over a dozen charities. I have donated a total of 3 gallons of blood. I donate my time and expertise to the amateur radio service. I donate my time to creating software which would be a social outlet for others who are socially anxious. I help my friends when they are in need. Overall, I’m a happy-go-lucky person who likes to help others.
I do not control (or have the desire to control) what others think of me. I will be who I am regardless of that fact. I get to decide what my flaws are and I get to decide on if I should work on them. If someone has a problem with me and I don’t see it, guess what? It is not my problem, it is their problem and they can choose how to deal with that. I shouldn’t feel bad about people leaving my life because they can’t deal (with that); not my problem and I don’t have to worry about that. If they are unable to see how I’ve helped them (and others) then they deserve to seek out others which they do see that quality in (or not because that ,too, is none of my concern).
The realization of the many gifts I offer to those I come in contact with is the reason why I cannot be depressed over being lonely or having a small social circle. I am happy with who I am and others could do a lot worse with socializing with those who do not give of themselves.
Gender Bias / Men Living at home
Part 1 of 5: Males Living at Home
I draw from Big Bang Theory's Howard compared to my own situation.
Howard represents the society definition of "Living at Home", where his mother cooks, cleans and does his laundry. It is assumed that she also takes care of the household bills, such as electricity, water, property taxes and insurance. I will also assume that she has her own vehicle as she never asks Howard to take her anywhere. She seems to also follow the stereotype that anyone her son dates should be vetted by his mother.
This does not necessarily hold true for all men who 'live at home'. I call upon myself as the example here. Even though I live in the same building as my mother, I live an independent life. I buy and prepare my own meals, I clean my own living spaces, not only do I do my own laundry, I do my mother's as well. When it comes to bills, I pay for the water, electricity, property taxes, home-owner’s insurance and even rent to the property's estate. My mother does not own a car and cares not to even learn how to drive. She takes public transit or, in cases where public transit would take too long or just plain doesn't go there, I drive her, because I am the only one in the household with transportation. Lastly, I do as I please whenever at whatever time with whomever I see fit. My mother has no input on my decision process on this.
Still, the cultural definition of "Living at home" holds.
Part 2 of 5: Gender Stereotypes
We all seem to agree that stereotypes are wrong, yet we tend to live with them anyhow because, as Avenue Q says, they have some basis in fact. One of which is "Guys are only looking for one thing, sex." Although it may not be the only thing, it emphasizes the fact that men are biologically motivated to have sex with as many women as possible to propagate the human race. I maintain by this that there are certain gender-based stereotypes that hold true as well.
One of which is that women prefer not to date someone who "lives at home". This is evident by, again, Big Bang Theory where Bernadette struggles with sleeping under the same roof as her boyfriend's mother and therefore encourages Howard to move out. Finances were (conspicuously) not disclosed on this, but one would imagine that Howard would probably have to pay significantly more to live outside the "home" than within.
Part 3 of 5: SMDC (Standard Male Dating Costs)
Beyond stereotypes there are (gender-biased) cultural norms that give women advantages over men that seem to have bypassed those looking for 'equal rights'. Most of these fall out of the cope of this report, but it should be noted that men are still expected to pay for all the dinner date costs as well as the transportation costs. Beyond this, as evident by Big Bang Theory (I make a lot of references to TBBT, don't I?) where Penny goes through Leonard s closet suggesting that he should by more (newer?) clothes even though without her, he was happy with the clothes he had. Conversely, men do not require women to buy new clothing. This is usually caused by other women's peer-pressuring. Men would be just as happy with a girl in a t-shirt and jeans.
As you can tell, our society already puts the financial burden on males from the onset and while it is quite okay for women to pay for the date, it isn't considered the 'norm'.
Part 4 of 5: Taking Care of Parents
When it comes to dating, Our society doesn't place a value on adult children who provide for ageing parents. Off hand, I know Asian cultures do. Chinese and Japanese women, for example, understand the importance of providing for an older parent; making sure that they need not worry for shelter or food. Even though this doesn't seem to provide for men, at least the culture lends itself to the idea of such responsibility.
As I find myself biologically attracted to European women, I must do research to find a European culture which may have a small amount or essence of having the care of parents as a child's responsibility.
Part 5 of 5: Summary
While I am unable to change our societal norms when it comes to the assumption of a male living at home making sure bills are paid and such, I can find a culture which embraces it and ultimately find a woman in that culture which actually respects a man who does such a thing.
True Geeks & Dating
Word up, my Nerdizels!
Just a public service message to all you male computer geeks (of any age) out there: You are still outcast.
You will hear the, now, common refrain that "Women have done a 180 and now like Geeks over Jocks!" Don't believe the hype!
Let's look into this a bit deeper. Actually women used to like Social jocks with trendy clothing and lots of money. You know the type, the ones with women all around him who treats them like sh{t, and they still keep coming back for more. They see him as a challenge "Oh I can change him!", "Oh he won't treat me like that, because I'm special.", but he will never change because with all these women around, he has nothing to lose.
This stems from the idea that women are seemingly unable to make themselves feel special and place that task onto whom ever guy they find attractive. How can a guy make a woman feel special? well, take any romantic movie...write down what he did to make her 'feel special' and total up how much it would cost to do the same in the real world. "But it's not about cost", she will say; Not understanding that without that money, he couldn't do anything even close to what the male character did in the movie.
Calculate cost with as many movies as you'd like. You will find that this guy has to have some decent amount of money. Also, while you watch these movies, pay special attention on the attire he is wearing. While her clothing could range from the poorest drab to the most elegant, his 'heart-stealing' attire will never be a geeky T-shirt, low-cost jeans and cheap tennis shoes. Then, of course, by the end of the movie, she feels the need to pay a ton of money on her own appearance even though he could really care less. This is where she is able to make herself 'feel special', but still doesn't even recognize it as such.
All this is to make the more accurate statement: "Women have made a 45 degree turn from liking social jocks who wear trendy clothing and have lots of money, to social geeks who wear trendy clothing and have lots of money." Not much of a difference there.
Fact is, if you are a socially inept nerd, who scrapes by, financially, but proving day in and day out how much you care for her because just her smile will send you to the moon, forget about it. You are as unpopular as you have ever been throughout history and will always be relegated to 'good guy friend'.
Worst yet, as a final slap across your face, those jocks I spoke of earlier? They are now referred to as 'sports geeks'.
Lucky for you there's sci-fi, computers, video games, pr0n and Dungeons and Dragons! Roll 20's, yall!
A Gender Equalist's Rant
Obviously, not many people ('sheeple') will agree with the following rant, and that's okay. I am free to have this view and you are free to agree or disagree with it.
Recently, I saw a video of a girl (18) talking about sex in a very open and frank manner. Her specific view spoke to lowering of the age of consent.
Right after posting, her video got a barrage of belittlement from the 'Parental' set. Unfortunately these 'parents' fail to ask "What's next?"
"What happens next?"
If a girl talking about sex in an open manner and I belittle her for it (under the guise of 'mentoring'), I teach her that if she, as a girl, talks about sex (in an honest way), that she is to be scorned and reprimanded. And, as no one wants to be punished for saying something, it is natural for girls to not want to talk about sex at all, unless, of course, it is what these 'parents' taught them to believe: That sex is bad and even discussion about it should be carefully guarded if not completely locked into the recesses of her mind.
"What happens after that?"
Since the 'Parents' use this negative reinforcement to force their daughters to act as their mouthpiece, it becomes social taboo for young women to even speak about sex in an honest way. You see this on any daytime TV show (Ala Maury): 'Parents' belittling younger women for talking about and...*shudder* enjoying sex.
"What happens next?"
Women are seen as having to be tricked or fooled into having sex with a guy, because obviously it's not something they'd even consider for themselves. It is gross and disgusting, after all.
Alcohol and other drugs become a way for women to, "I didn't know what I was doing", actually let herself be free of some of the social stigma. This has lead to many unfortunate cases of non-consensual sex, partially because it seems the only way for women to be allowed to have sex (especially if she isn't currently in a relationship with him for a long period of time) and partially because men are taught that women don't want or even like sex. Gross; Disgusting; et al.
"What happens next?"
Social programming begins to tell younger women that if they have a daughter, later on, that the same negative reinforcement needs to be done or she will be seen as a bad parent and her daughter will be outcast from society. This continues the cycles of lies: "women should avoid sexual actions or speech to be accepted by society and for your daughters to be accepted, they must be taught the same thing"
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The way out of this is to let women talk about sex in an honest manner. We are all free to have our own opinion (yes, even your teenage daughter has been given the ability to have an opinion) and let us all be able to talk about what we like and don't like sexually without being labeled a 'slut' or to be 'corrected' in our thinking.
"What happens next?"
Society would learn that we are all human. That it's not that women don't like sex....it's that they can want to have sex with whom they want to have sex with.
"What happens next?"
People would realize that sex is not bad or evil. Sex is natural. without it, we would have not existed for a very long time. Women could treat discussion of sex as freely as how their day is going or what movies they've seen. Men would realize that women actually are human and that it's not some crazy miracle if a women would want to sleep with him.
Is this limited to discussion of sex? By no means, even women's clothing has been influenced by this backwards thinking. As a comic depicted awhile back, Muslims in burqas see women in the US as being forced by men to wear bikinis whereas women in the US see the burqa as something imposed by men.
It does seem fashionable, pun intended, to blame males for everything. However, the most critical people of women's clothing, attitude, speech, actions tend to be...other women. After-all, who is the target audience of Maury? middle-aged women. Would a show like that fly on the weekend or in the evening when the men-folk aren't at work? No.
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Wait a minute. Now that I think about this, I know why I feel this way about the topic. I'm an equalist. I believe that it shouldn't matter which gender you are in anything and that any reference to gender be removed from everything.
(except for "if you have one of these, when it's time to have a baby, your belly will get bigger and the baby will come out of you")
If "We" are pregnant, than WE should get ?aturnity leave.
If women have the strength to bear a child, they can certainly fire an AK-47.
Dinners and rings can be paid for the one you love no matter your gender.
No one should be paid differently based on gender.
If one person is required to register for draft at 18, all persons should be required.
Either gender should be able to choose to stay home raising the children.
and....lastly
Both genders should be able to talk about sex freely, without fear of belittlement.
It's your body, love it how you see fit and with whom you see fit.
Things I will never understand..
((My current relationship status allows me to be honest))
So, I may have a jacked up perception of women...with a few exceptions, I find these to be true:
Why aren't women able to make themselves feel special? It always seems to be up to the guy to make this happen. Given that most guys feel good about making their women feel this way on occasion, this isn't a major issue.
This, however, requires him to spend money that he can use on other things.
The money and time I would have spent going out, driving to someones home, I have found best applied to paying down credit cards and doing things that the women in my life were less than eager to accommodate. I guess this is what a guys single life is all about.
At the rate I am going, being a recently single(d) guy, I will be credit card (debt) free within 3 months. I am also starting to align myself to things that I find enjoyable instead of doing things that maybe in my best interest from someone else's point of view or doing things that the other person enjoys because we can't find the time otherwise to be together.
I believe us guys have a choice in life: Either we do the things the women enjoy, thus sharing time and communication with them and keeping the relationship going while neglecting things in life that we enjoy doing....or doing things we enjoy, and thus spending less time with our women, not communicating and eventually ending relationships.
Ideally, we'd want a woman who would enjoy SOME of the things we enjoy and that we could still spend time with them doing things they enjoy. Best of both worlds perhaps.